Sometimes, you just don’t know.
Sometimes, half the battle is admitting it.
I’ve been feeling this way lately. Like I’m waiting for something, some wave that’s been gathering itself far out to sea. It looms in my consciousness.
It’s hard, the waiting.
You want whatever’s going to happen to just HAPPEN already. You want to know what’s coming. You want to see it. You want to know you aren’t crazy. You want to know how much of what you think you know will be washed away when the wave hits, and what gleaming treasures will be left in its gasping wake.
But you have to wait.
You must surrender to the uncertainty of the Now.
SURRENDER, MY SPICY SHRIMPS
Of course, I’m not talking complete surrender where you lie down on the sand and wait for the wave to come and drown you, or give up on the great cause to which you’ve dedicated yourself. You never surrender when it’s the big issues, the ones that really matter. You always keep fighting injustice, intolerance, ignorance, and oppression. You keep walking the beach, picking up trash, helping creatures in need and graciously accepting assistance from others.
SOLIDARITY, MY SHRIMPS
But sometimes, you just don’t know.
Sometimes, walking the beach feels like aimless wandering. You forget what you were doing here in the first place. You’re tempted to say “fuck it” and go home to binge on vices, whether they be food, drugs, drink, or Netflix.
This even happens to those who are in touch with their ability to sense what’s coming next — diviner, dreamer, psychic, intuitive, sacred artist, witch, or whatever you want to call one who’s plugged in.
Sometimes you can’t see what’s coming next because what’s coming next is a period of necessary uncertainty.
A period of necessary uncertainty is where I’ve been all winter, like a lost rabbit wandering the warrens beneath the cold earth, skirting the dens of dreaming bears.
Their dreams are heavy, complex, rich like deep soil and life blood.
They frighten and fascinate me.
I want to sing, but the voice catches in my throat, chalky with fear. I whisper into my whiskers.
TWITCH WITCH MUFUCKA
Now, at last, the earth is thawing.
At last, I can emerge, sun-warmed, and thump the good green ground.
At last, I can begin to act upon the dreams I dreamed in the dark.
Cry hallelujah! Spring is here!
And, as is my wont, I whipped up a little tarot spread to help me navigate these transitional times.
This is my “ok I don’t know anything, I surrender, plz help me, magic crossroads beyond time and space” tarot spread. Below, you can see it in action with the Wildwood Tarot.
CHECK IT OUT MY SHRIMPS
Card 1 – Underlying Energy
Knight of Bows: Fox
Beneath it all lies the wild desire for adventure! The creative itch! I want to run, and play, and be centered in joy. Given that this is a fire card (in the Wildwood Tarot, Bows correspond to Wands), I’m also put in mind of my challenging natal Saturn in Sagittarius – and if you’re following along with the stars, you know Saturn is currently in Sag, which means I’m experiencing my Saturn return).
So our theme is balancing the need for adventure, creative expression, and freedom with the need for discipline and structure.
Card 2 – Current Position
12 The Mirror reversed
LOL YEP. This card corresponds to the Hanged Man, which signifies to me a sort of “time out” in which to figure your shit out. I’ve been feeling suspended, uncertain, upside-down and inside-out. There’s been massive amounts of healing work to do; it’s been like I’m stuck in time beyond time, space beyond space. Yesterday I even lay down in the cemetery in a literal Hanged Man position! The crows muttered to themselves from the trees above me. The world turns.
Card 3 – Where I’ve Been
Two of Stones: Challenge
Yes, indeed. I’ve been champing at the bit for a creative challenge. I’ve been bouncing back and forth between ideas, fighting to get anything done, waiting for spring, doing that fun New England dance between snow, rain, flowers, good waking earth, warmth and cold. The awakening process is a doozy and no two years are the same. This is my first New England spring in five years, and although I miss San Francisco fiercely, good god have I missed what, to me, is a “natural” season, by which I mean a complete shit show of changing weather.
Card 4 – What distracts me
Three of Arrows: Jealousy reversed
Ohhh hey! I kind of secretly love the Three of Swords. Here, this card speaks to me of unproductive navel-gazing. I can spend eternity making notes, scribbling ideas, and perpetually thinking and journaling without ever taking those ideas off the page and birthing them into the real world.
It’s also wicked easy to get caught up in the game of compare despair, in which you are always the loser. Stop paying attention to what other people are doing! Focus on your own biz, bish!
It’s also extremely easy to get caught up in wounds of the past, eternally tonguing that sore and perpetuating the self-defeating and destructive cycles instead of committing to healing. Breaking cycles is hard. Perpetuating them is easy. As a Lunar Gemini, I’m gifted with the ability to talk myself into anything – including the lie that I’m doing healing work when really, I’m just chasing my tail in circles.
Card 5 – What supports me
2 The Seer reversed
Well, howdy! This is my mystical practice, but not on the professional level. This is my private practice, my personal rituals. This is the behind-the-scenes stuff. The moments of communion with the divine, with animals and plants, with spirits and angels. This is my intuition, my personal power, my clairsentience, my inner knowing. This is also my long-distance witch ladies, who support me from afar. I’m lookin’ at you, beauties!
BLOW A KISS
Card 6 – The road ahead; The focal point towards which I ought to move
King of Stones: Wolf reversed
OH YEAH. It’s time to seclude myself in the studio. It’s time to howl my creative life into being. It’s time to begin doubling down on my collaborative projects – Wolf is a pack animal, after all. And considering the hierarchical structure of the pack, Wolf tells me that I have need for orderliness – and the best way to begin cultivating more orderliness in my life is to begin with an area in which I am already well disciplined. For me, that’s the field in which I was trained – visual art.
It’s already begun. About a week ago, I cleared my desk, brought my watercolors into the studio, sat down and started painting.
I swear the smell of wet watercolor paper makes me salivate.
So, I surrender.
I surrender to the studio, the belly-button need to create, and the throbbing uncertainty of when the wave will hit and where I’ll find myself once it does.
I surrender to the present moment.
I surrender to the wind and sun and good New England soil..
I surrender, and I do the best I can.
What calls for your surrender — a situation from which you need to walk away? A yearning you need to follow?
At what crossroads do you find yourself?
What fields lay before you, fallow and full of promise?
If you’re grappling with uncertainty, I’d be honored to sling cards with you. Get in on the good vibes; book your own email or Skype reading now!
If you yourself like to read cards and decide to give this spread a try, I’d love to hear about it! Let me know in the comments below.
Blessings on you and all your endeavors.
AND A BIG HUG, TOO